Indy Likes Butterflies

I'm here in bed, lying next to Indy. She seems comfortable enough, lying under the covers with her head on the pillow. She has put out her little forelegs and is pushing me with her paws. I think she's doing this to be close to me, and because she doesn't have the energy to "make biscuits" on my arm like she usually does. [Note: I now realize that she's leaning on me for leverage, to prop herself up.] So she's just here, lovingly staring at me and purring. She knows the end is near. She has stopped eating and drinking. (I'm administering water through an oral syringe.) I've cooked her favorite foods and bought her favorite cream, but she'll have none of it. She just wants love.

I'm planning to add a biography about Indy to this post a little later, once she's gone to sleep. For now, let me get back to loving my little one.

A little later:
Indy doesn't feel sleepy, so I'll write while she's staring at me. There is a lot to write. Indy's real name is Indianapolis 500, which is what I call her when she's naughty. She liked to race around the house like a Formula One racer as a kitten.

We have a very sweet relationship, and whenever I leave overnight, upon my return we have a ritual: she takes me through the house, and makes sure I will pick up on all her established cues to do things for her: she walks to the bathtub and meows, which means turn on the bathtub faucet just a little bit so I can have a drink. She meows at each closed door, to tell me to open them please, and watches me do it, one by one. She sits on the kitchen step-stool to remind me that's her perch to request cream in the mornings. Then she walks me to the front door and asks me to let her out (even though I rarely grant her this request, her philosophy is that it never hurts to ask. She's a go-getter that way.) Yes, Indy runs a tight ship around here! one of my ex-boyfriends said she knows she runs the house, and I guess he was right. (Since he's history, apparently he minded this arrangement. But it suits Indy and me just fine!)

I used to have a hamster named Oliver, which terrified Indy. One time, Oliver actually ran under Indy seeking safety (?), and Indy ran away. I never claimed to have genius pets. Until the day Oliver died of a brain tumor, Indy was afraid of that hamster. (My other cat, Monaco, is a different story. When I introduced Oliver to her, she promptly put his head in her mouth and tried to take a bite. Just her was of saying "Thanks for the snack, Mom!")

I've been reading a pamphlet the vet's office gave me yesterday about grieving the loss of your pet, and it says you should remember the pet's whole life-- not just the death and dying portion, or just the good parts. The pamphlet says you should remember the good as well as the bad times. It's in that spirit that I share the following.

Both my cats have their claws, because I believe it's an act of barbarism to have a cat's claws removed. This is another way of saying that my furniture looks like hell. I bought a $4000. "Rowe" sofa set, but these little hellions treated it as if it were their own personal scratching post. Which is why I've stopped buying expensive furniture.

Indy loves to sit outside under the gardenia bush and spy on me. I have no idea what she thinks I'm up to, but there must be some major action going on in her mind. Sometimes she races out of her little hiding spot as if being pursued by ....nothing.

When she was a kitten, she was quite the climber. One time she almost caught a squirrel (which is pretty ironic since she was afraid of a hamster). She used to climb up and get stuck in the back yard tree, and in the arbor. I still bear scars of her scratches on my forearms from rescuing her from high places.

Of course, mine are primarily indoor cats, and are only allowed outside with supervision, so she's had many more indoor adventures. Probably her biggest adventure was moving with me from California to Florida, 5 years ago. Actually, Indy was a good traveler. But I wonder what she thought when Monaco, my "scaredy-cat," got out of her carrier on the plane. She raced around under all the passengers' feet, looking for an exit at thousands of feet in the air.

Possibly the craziest adventure could have ended up tragic: when Indy was a kitten before I knew better), I used to burn candles next to my bed. She sashayed past a lit candle, and her long fur caught on fire. I saw the plume of smoke, so I hit it off of her to extinguish the fire. It was effective, but I had also hit Indy right off of the table and several feet away, onto the floor. She looked at me indignantly, not understanding my sudden change in behavior, then she sniffed at her singed fur (she never actually got burned), and looked back at me as if I had put this terrible singed smell on her when I hit her. It was quite an evening. I now have only unlit candles for decoration, and my shabbat candles are on a high shelf.

I have decided to bury Indy's body after she is euthanized. She and I have discussed it at length today. She will be buried in the front garden, and it will be called "Indy's garden." It will be landscaped with butterfly-attracting flowers, because she loves to watch butterflies. And she loves that spot, although I don't usually let her out there, since it's not fenced in. It also happens to be right outside my bedroom window. I think it will be a good final resting place for her.

Did I write this before? I have found a vet who will come to the house for an at-home euthanasia. If Indy and I are ready, he will come over tomorrow night. Also, I have scheduled for my handyman to come over tomorrow to dig a grave. I think Indy is almost ready, but I still need a day to be with her and prepare emotionally.

I don't want to prolong her pain, but at the same time, this has all been very sudden. Yesterday, I thought the event would occur sometime next week. This morning, I settled on it happening on Monday. Now I've probably moved it up to tomorrow. So I don't think I'm dragging my feet. But it's honestly more heartbreaking to see her suffering in this condition than it is to imagine her gone from me.

I write these very painful things as if separated from my emotions, but there are many emotions here as well. For some reason, I don't seem to delve into them much in my writing.

Indy is the one being who knows me most intimately, and loves and is completely dependent upon me. She sleeps snuggled up against me, she can anticipate my actions. I don't know how I am going to live without her warmth and friendship.